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While many across the country honor dads in June on Father’s Day, our family has chosen a different time for remembering Father’s Day. The date of my husband’s death is the day that God became Father to a dadless group of children, according to Psalm 68:5 that declares God to be a Father to the fatherless. Because of this truth, God gave our family a creative way to remember this day in our lives by leading us to consider our Remembrance Day as our new Father’s Day, replacing the traditional Father’s Day recognized by the world. Yes, we may have skipped Sunday School here and there to avoid the pain of making cards for a dad who is no longer here. We have acknowledged that in the midst of suffering there is a holiness wrapped around the acceptance of God’s sovereignty. Even though the day is tender, we have incorporated lots of traditions to celebrate this day making it sweet and memorable. If you have turned to God as Father, perhaps you might want to consider re-locating Father’s Day on your calendar as well.

My husband’s specialty was pancakes, so we would go out for breakfast to enjoy pancakes or eat them at home – I wanted them to always remember eating smiley face pancakes with Daddy! Because we didn’t have pancakes that often, especially colored ones, this is a treat! Nineteen years later, the tradition remains.

Since we were eating ice cream at the exact time of my husband’s death, we have included that “bittersweet” memory into this day of remembering. We head to the ice cream parlor at the end of the day to celebrate that God is sovereign. He saw the big picture – our family enjoying ice cream cones while daddy was making the choice to end his life.

Children love balloons, so I would buy balloons, one black and one of “their color” (each was assigned a color at birth – it has proven to be a great way to organize things with 8 kids, and they all think that color is now their “favorite” color). For devotions that night the releasing of balloons symbolizes two areas of reflection:

  1. Black balloons – I ask them to dig in their hearts to uncover any unforgiveness, anger, or pain that might need to be released. Tears are shed, and hearts are cleansed once again.
  2. Colored balloons – we thank God for all the ways He has been a father to them over the last year. We offer up a sacrifice of praise thanking Him for His faithfulness. He really is a good, good Father.

We cry – we laugh – we remember. From time to time, I would share with my littlest ones, and now my children share with their children, a story they need to know, “Once upon a time there was a real daddy living in this house, but God…” They listen intently as if I were telling a fairytale. I love to tell how God became their Father, how He is working all things together for good and how He uses everything for His glory! And perhaps there is a similarity to the ole fashioned fairytale…they lived happily ever after!

 

 

No matter how far down the road of grief you have traveled, one month to 20 years, renewing our hope is essential. Every battle we face must be fought with the hope of heaven. On the hardest days, we need other people to hold on to that hope for us. We need to know that we aren’t the only ones trying to survive the pains of death. We need to see that people have made it to the other side, life after death. That’s what a good book can do. It can reinforce the truth – the truth that all hope is not lost, that there is purpose in our pain, and that Christ is still faithful. The list here is not exhaustive, many Christians have suffered and written to say that God is still who He says He is, these are just some of our (Lori and Alex) favorites.

Note: If you only have time in your busy schedule to read just one book, pick the Word of God, every time! There is no replacement for the hope it offers and the healing it brings.

Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert

Hands down this is my favorite first book to give to one starting a journey in grief. 

This beautifully illustrated book describes and defines the grief process in such a way that a five-year-old to 95-year-old can understand.  Without overwhelming the one suffering, it educates them on what to expect.  Wrap this book up with a box of Kleenex or a handkerchief and deliver this as your first attempt to show compassion to the hurting one.

The Path of Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot

Great read for anyone along the widow journey.

Few people understand the suffering of a widow quite like Elisabeth Elliot. Enduring the tragedy of losing two husbands in her lifetime, she brings real hope to tired and lonely hearts. In this book Elliot balances love and challenge perfectly. She acknowledges the crippling pain of our loss and grieves with her readers, but she doesn’t stay there. She reminds the reader that this suffering we now face is meant to push us to a greater understanding of Christ and his love for us and the broken people of the world. This book taught me to embrace my loneliness as a gift from God himself and to use this hurt to push me into a hurting world that needs Christ.

A Grace Disguised by Gerald Sittser

One of the first books I read on grief was written by a man who lost his mother, wife, and daughter (three generations) in one tragic accident. His story impacted me deeply. The anointing over the sharing of lessons learned tutored me at the beginning of my own journey. “In coming to the end of ourselves, we can come to the beginning of a new life – one marked by spiritual depth, joy, compassion, and a deeper appreciation of simple blessings. If you let it, your sorrow will increase your capacity to live well, to love life, and to experience joy, not after the darkness but even in the midst of it.”

Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff

Good for the hurting trying to put words to their pain.

Nicholas Wolterstorff lost his son, and like any who lose someone they love, felt the all-consuming sting of death on his life. In his attempt to express his pain, he wrote several short journals some memories, some questions, some moments of deep pain and moments of deep hope all with simplicity and candor. This short book, literally gave words to my pain. I cried with it and laughed with it. Wolterstorff walked with me in the hurt and made me feel like I was not alone.

TIP TO THE READER: Make sure you make it all the way to the end and watch how Christ starts to transform this hurting parent’s heart and orient his mind toward the hope of Heaven.

The Gospel According to Job by Mike Mason

Great to read devotionally. Good to give to guys going through a trial.

The story of Job and his suffering is more than most of us can comprehend—he lost his family, possessions and his own health. Even though our struggle may not compare with the amount of loss Job experienced, at some point in our own process, we may feel it is close. Job can be a difficult book to understand. Mike Mason does an excellent job of breaking it down into bite-size pieces to read devotionally over time. The Word of God on the book of Job will speak and encourage you in your own trial, “through Job we learn the secret of the gospel: that ‘mercy is the permission to be human.’ The Lord never gave Job an explanation for all he had been through. His only answer was Himself. But as Job discovered, that was enough. The Gospel According to Job sensitively reminds us that it’s all right to doubt, to be confused, to wonder–in short, to be completely human. But what will heal us and help us endure is a direct, transforming encounter with the living God.”

Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko

For all who feel like their pain is too much and too hard to keep going!

Written by a man who lost his young child, Levi Lusko shocks the readers system back to life with so much hope for the future. Lusko gives the grieved the much-needed push to keep going! He encourages the reader the stare in the face of tragedy and fear and fight it with the power of Christ. I read this book in the first year of becoming a widow and was consoled in my pain and energized to use it to help others see their need for the Gospel in the midst of earth-shattering pain.

The Undistracted Widow by Carol W. Cornish

Good for widows in the 2-3rd year.

There comes a point in the process where life comes after death and it’s time to move forward.  The Undistracted Widow challenges widows to look at their new season in life as purposed.  With this perspective, women are encouraged to look at what God says about the widow, her identity, emotions, and direction encouraging her to move forward by putting her trust in God.

Suffering and the Sovereignty of God by John Piper

For all who want to have a greater understanding of suffering.

Suffering brings about wrestling even for those strong in the faith. Wrestling with the truth that God is in complete control over every aspect of life and death. If God is ultimately the one in complete control, how and why does He allow us to suffer?  If He really loved me, He would have stopped the pain – wouldn’t He? These issues are handled Scripturally with compassion and understanding from those who have also suffered.

Denial seems like such a safe state to be in. Perhaps this is why the body goes into a coma when a painful physical injury occurs, so it isn’t fighting with itself in order to heal.

For the first few months after a husband’s death, it is common and somewhat necessary to walk in denial instead of reality. Around the 6-9th month, however, the “shell of denial” will begin to break off leading the grieving one to make a choice – stay in the coma of denial, which would eventually lead to emotional death or wake up and begin to deal with the pain.

One morning during my quiet time, God took me back to my labor and delivery days. I heard God tell me repeatedly, “Embrace the pain!” Every time I would hear this admonition I would ask, “What?! Did I hear you right?” and “How?! Can I embrace the pain without it hurting?” Because He knows me, He gave me an illustration that was easy for me to relate to – childbirth.  Moms, remember back to the last weeks of your pregnancy. You were ready to pay any price and do anything to deliver that baby, right? You are elated when you feel the first contraction! Your heart jumps and you’re overwhelmed with excitement. The time has finally come! You readily embrace the first few contractions because you know that you will soon hold the fruit of your efforts.

Now remember the delivery, three or four hours in, or even minutes for the fortunate ones, you are still ready to do what it takes, but the experience of labor is beginning to lose its thrill. You cringe when each contraction comes along, and at times, you even may want to resist the contraction. Your body goes through transition and the pain becomes intense. You really aren’t sure you are going to make it.  It is at this point the doctor or midwife comes along and gently, but firmly says, “You need to embrace the pain to deliver the baby. Relax and give into each contraction and that will bring forth your child!”

“What? Embrace the pain?!” At the moment, embracing pain seems impossible, but the reward ahead moves you to do your best to “relax and give into the pain.” At that point, your body is free to do what it needs to do and before you know it, you are holding the fruit of your labor!

Emotionally, the grief experience is similar. We could deny something has happened and that God is at work. We could continue to walk in an empty shell (or impregnated one), but God has encouraged us to go ahead and relax, embrace the pain and watch Him bring forth life.

For me, this meant accepting the reality of my huge loss, and yes, that hurt! Much like the doctor or midwife though, God can be trusted. When He calls us to accept the pain and press into the new life He wants to bring, He is trustworthy. In the “birth pains” you now feel, focus on the promise of God that He is with you even in the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23). I know it might not feel like it today, but God is at work and will bring forth the fruit of your labor in the land of suffering.

“God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.” Genesis 41:52

 

 

The initial command from God to men who become husbands is that they love their wives – and not just emotionally.  Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.” Notice that this is not a taking love but a giving love – a self-giving love. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about God in thirty-three years of walking with Him it’s that He never asks us to do what He doesn’t do!

When my husband died unexpectedly, 3 months and 8 days before our 25th wedding anniversary, I missed his expressions of love terribly. Those expressions weren’t always perfect, any more than mine were to him! Humanity has a way of doing “less than.” But he loved me, and I knew it – and I needed and missed them!

If my Maker, my God, in real fact was to act as a husband to me now, how would that look?

May I give you one example?

The first Sunday of May, 1991, I came in from church feeling emotionally exhausted from dealing with my new “widow role.” Philosophically I wondered how that “widow role” fit in with the scripture I’d discovered in Isaiah 54, “Your Maker is your husband . . .” but I was tired on that Sunday afternoon, and I didn’t want to think anymore; I decided to take a nap.

I don’t know how long I slept, but as I felt myself coming awake I was aware of these words in my consciousness: “You’ll be alright!”

I could hear the wind escalate alarmingly. I got out of the rocker where I was sleeping, walked across the room to the sliding glass doors opposite me and watched as what the news would later call a “just below tornadic storm” ripped across the lake at my yard’s far edge, its center seeming to be on the next street over from my house. I watched in awe as that heavily wooded street laid down its tall pine trees in rapid order so that houses barely visible before now stood in plain sight. As suddenly as the storm came up, it abated, and I opened my door and stepped out to walk around and see what had happened on my street. None of my trees were down, and no damage was visible to the house – a neighbor’s tree had come down on my driveway but my car sat safely in front of my garage. The street next to mine was closed for 3 days while the city harvested the trees that had fallen during that heavy wind. If you look at the newspaper for those days (Columbus, GA), you’ll see that the city actually sent buses out to pick up the residents who needed to go to work but couldn’t drive out because trees were down everywhere.

Hours later, in the evening time, I really “took in” what had happened that day. My Maker, my God, had shown His love for me on a scale greater than my earthly husband ever could have. Little by little we learn that though our roles have changed and our husbands are no longer in their place in our lives, we are not “out there” on our own!

Remembrance Days are actually biblical.  We see in Scripture encouragement to stop and remember.  The Remembrance Day is the date a precious one departs from this world leaving life to never be the same again.  For many, no matter how hard you try, you will remember on the anniversary of your loved one’s death.  May you also take time to remember the faithfulness of God during your time of suffering.

Today’s article introduces a new section to the blog team, the voice of the fatherless.  We pulled out an old article of remembrance because we felt it was worth remembering.  Kayla Apon Whittinghill shares lessons from her pain:

Approaching May 17th each year feels a little bit like walking out of the mall after shopping only to find that it is absolutely pouring outside. You have no umbrella – your only choice is to dash to your car and embrace the inevitable drenching of you and all your belongings. You are safe once you get to your car, but the process is always a little messy.

This day feels the same to me – there’s no way to avoid the tears, the remembering, and the revisiting of scars that many times go unnoticed. It’s not fun. I will get wet, but on the other side, usually the morning of May 18th, I feel cleansed and at peace after tasting of His faithfulness once again.

12 years without my daddy.

Has it really been that long? In some ways it feels just like yesterday that mom came downstairs and told us through tears that we had a new daddy. On that day we joined the privileged group of people that are particularly protected and cared for by God – “A Father of the Fatherless and defender of the widow is God in His holy dwelling.”

“Do not move the ancient boundary or go into the fields of the fatherless. For their Redeemer is strong; He will plead their case against you.” (Proverbs 23:10-11.)

I never would have chosen to make the trade between a natural daddy and having God only as my Father – but I’m so thankful that God decided for me.

Every year the loss is felt in a new way. Last year, it was the pain of not having him here to know my husband; this year it hurts that he isn’t here to rejoice in this pregnancy, and I know next year I will long for him to be able to know and love my son.

The thing that hurts the most is that he chose to leave. He took his own life – no one but the enemy influenced his death. He didn’t have to do it. Yes, even in this, my soul is at rest because of what I know of my God:

  1. He is sovereign. Nothing can happen to me outside of His consent and all-wise plan.
  2. He can do me no wrongOnly because of the cross am I experiencing such grace in this life. Even the most severe trial is a taste of mercy because the pain doesn’t even to compete to the wrath I deserve but will not experience because Jesus drank it all for me.
  3. Knowing Jesus better because of this is totally worth it. If this is the way God has chosen to introduce me more deeply to Christ, if this is His preferred method of making me more like Him, and if there are lessons and treasures that can be gleaned from this trial that can be obtained in no easier way…then I am grateful. So. Very. Grateful.
  4. Knowing Jesus even just a little bit better is infinitely worth any amount of pain I must experience in the process. He is just so good.

I will definitely cry a lot on May 17th…I always do. But even in the pain I know that I do not grieve like someone who has no hope. I will see my daddy again. My pain can only go so far – and no farther, because Jesus is coming back and I will see my Savior’s face, He will wipe the tears from my eyes, and then I will always be with the Lord.

“Bless our God, O peoples, and sound His praise abroad, who keeps us in life and does not allow our feet to slip. For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins. You made men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water, Yet you brought us out into a place of abundance. Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul.” Psalm 66:8-12, 16

 

Last weekend, death clawed its way back into my family’s lives all too soon after the loss of my husband. A fresh scab was torn off before it had time to heal properly. My Aunt Louise’s life long journey ended, and she left the world surrounded by all 7 of her sisters, her mom, and her two daughters. Louise suffered from a brain tumor over 20 years ago and had a few surgeries to remove the tumor. Doctors had said she had weeks, maybe months to live. The entire family prepared themselves to send her off over two decades ago. However, God had other plans and said her time on Earth was not finished yet. Although Louise’s life looked different after her surgeries, she had the best caregivers to make her last 20 years of life happy and comfortable. My mom tells me the way she left was actually beautiful. All of the girls were singing childhood camp songs and laughing along as they held her hand. Louise apparently had enough of their singing and said, “I’m out of here.” We know she left laughing inside and comforted as she was surrounded by an enormous amount of love.

I was not able to travel to my Aunt this weekend, and perhaps that was okay. I spent the weekend with a very dear friend of mine who has also experienced quite a bit of loss in her life, as well. A lot of our conversations somehow revolved around dying, death, and Heaven. And to be honest, it is a topic that is just not talked about enough. A lot of people try to change the subject quickly as they don’t know what to say, or they don’t understand it, or maybe they do understand it, but it is something that is impossible to wrap their minds around. And maybe it takes losing someone to be able to converse with others about death and Heaven.

We, in a general sense, ignore death because it is just too scary and too sad to comprehend. It is undeniably awful for us who are left without our mom, our husband, our friend, our child. How do we go on? How do we do holidays without them? Who do we call when we need advice or share good news with? Death is absolutely devastating to us, and God is devastated for us. He hates that our heart is broken, and he grieves with us. Mine and Matt’s friend wrote a letter to me shortly after his death. He shared with me this verse:

“Death is swallowed up in victory. 55 Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting?” 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord, Jesus Christ”. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

He told me that when he tries to comprehend the loss of someone, he reads this verse. He says it is actually hard to believe verse 55 when we ask, “Oh death, where is your sting?” because it hurts us, it shocks us, and it devastates us. But then he says that verse 56 points out that the sting of death is sin. The reason why it hurts is because life was not supposed to be this way. We were meant to be eternal beings but then- sin. He says, we have to remind ourselves that we are validated in the feeling of this sting, but we have to believe in what this verse is really telling us. We should understand that compared to the victory of Christ and the eternal victory that we will experience, this current sting of death is small. Can you imagine that? If you are currently walking through, or have walked through (or you will walk through- one day) pain, that is so dark and deep, that it will be insignificant to the amazing-ness that is Heaven? So, if this pain is unbearably terrible, imagine what Heaven will be like…

The next verse,

 “58 Therefore, my beloved brother, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

We must hold onto and focus on the promise of Heaven. And we should talk about death. A lot. I believe that our fear of dying would subside if we get comfortable talking about the afterlife in Heaven. Therefore, if we become less afraid of death, we will be able to live a fuller life on a day-to-day basis.

And for just a minute, let’s set our grief aside and think about our loved ones who are embarking on their journey of Heaven. Levi Lusko states in his book, Through the Eyes of a Lion,

“As agonizing and painful as it can be, death is the ultimate upgrade for the believer: moving from the tent into the home Jesus has been preparing for you.”

My husband, an avid swimmer and golfer, is probably up in Heaven swimming laps and never getting tired. He probably has a golf game under par, every single time. He may be making beats with his friend, Lex, who joins him up there. Matt has been upgraded from a lap pool to an endless ocean, his swing is always just right and the weather conditions are in his favor to at least par every hole, and his music has rhythms and beats that we could never create on Earth. My Aunt Louise is now living it up with her witty and loud personality she had when she was younger. There are no air holes in her Wendy’s frosty and the cranberry sauce comes perfectly out of the can every single time. (Writing this makes me wish I knew her a little better before she got sick. I feel like I would have more things to say. I’ve been told she was the fun one and always had a good time; she sounds a lot like my Matt). Now, I’m not the most educated person when it comes to Heaven, I still have a lot to learn. I have been told different things about Heaven. I hear that you are so busy worshiping God that you don’t need the things you longed for on Earth, like a swimming pool or the perfect frosty, but this is just what I imagine and what comforts me. Everyone is different!

When someone asks about how you are doing, or mentions your lost loved one, maybe instead of welling up with tears of sadness, well up with tears of happiness as they have received the premium upgrade from Earth to Heaven. Think about how happy they must be. There are no more bad days, no more aches and pains.

So, let’s talk about dying, death, and Heaven. The Lord promises us that we will experience great heartache. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will sooner or later. Believe me, my life was pretty cushy five months ago. Nothing bad really has ever happened to me or my family, and I never thought it would! We have had a few broken bones, a few moves across the country, we lost our grandpa to a short battle with cancer, but we were always more than okay. In 4 months, my mom has lost her son-in law and her sister. I know it is hard and it stinks FOR US. But for THEM we should actually be really happy.

Death, where is your sting? Death, you do not win.

Death, there is never a good time for you to knock on our door—you will have to claw your way in. But death, you are the next step to an everlasting world with our family and our God for eternity.

 

 

God is an absolutely Fascinating Being!

On the evening of June 5, 1986, my husband died unexpectedly. You may have experienced something akin to what I did in those early days following his death – facts were horrifyingly all too real, and unexplainably miles away at the same time!

Mostly I still felt like “me.”  I felt like I was thinking clearly and making right decisions. And in some ways I was, which is why it surprised me more than anybody to discover I was off kilter in other ways!

When a nationally-known evangelist, who was in Columbus at the time, asked me two days after Bob had died to secure a bank loan for him as “God had told him to build a church in Columbus,” it seemed right to me and I did it. Is anybody surprised to learn that he put the money in his pocket and left town?

At first I was sure he would make it good. He had a reputation as a “man of God;” he had looked at me with tears in his eyes as he shared how God had called him to build this church. Then I grew really angry as I came to grips with the facts that the money was gone. I didn’t tell anybody what had happened – my boys had just lost their father; they didn’t need to know about any other losses.

Early one morning in January, 1987, I was out walking and talking rather animatedly, though silently, with God about what this man had done when He brought me to a total standstill. Very, very clearly He spoke into my heart: “You don’t think what this man did is going to change what I can do, do you?” And honestly it didn’t take me very long to assent – “No, I don’t believe what he did will stop You from doing what You will do.” And I had no idea what He meant to do.

Skip forward a year: Remember I said I hadn’t told anybody about the loss. I still hadn’t! One of my husband’s cousins, a person with whom I had no deep association – we saw each other mostly on Thanksgivings – died, and for no reason I can give except that God “did it,” left me in her will one-half of what had been stolen from me!

Skip forward another eleven months: And, no I still hadn’t told anybody about the loss. The sister to my husband’s cousin died and left me in her will more than one-half of what had been stolen! God had returned all that “evangelist” had stolen, with interest! I have absolutely no reason to believe these cousins had conspired together to make up the loss. They didn’t know there was one!

I don’t know what has happened in your life. What I do know is that when a fisherman-disciple needed tax money, Jesus put it in a fish’s mouth and he paid the bill.  When a widow needed food for herself and her son, God gave it to her through a flour bin and an oil bottle that never ran dry. What I do know is that God didn’t promise to take care of us only if we never did anything stupid!

“Call unto Me,” He said, “and I will show you great and mighty things that you can’t even imagine!” Jeremiah 33:3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, what a joyous time it is to watch and experience the birth of Spring! The miracle of life after death is simply glorious. Although the widow may feel encouraged by the warmth and beauty of spring, frost may continue in her grieving heart. As society makes plans for getaways and summer fun with their loved ones, her monotonous routine remains the same–alone. Alone to figure out ways to dust off her home, make repairs, and manage her lawn. Perhaps God would use you to lighten her load by considering meeting one of these practical needs.

1.     Help her with spring cleaning:

  • Service her air conditioner, change the filters, maybe even leave a few extra filters for the months ahead.
  • Give your time to help her clean out a closet. She may be ready to tackle her husband’s possessions, but she may need someone to hold her hand and wipe her tears during the process.
  • Offer to dust ceiling fans and window blinds.

2.     Help her usher in spring:

  • Deliver a spring bouquet just to let her know you are thinking of her.
  • Plant flowers in her yard as a reminder that when her focus is on God, she can bloom where she is planted.
  • Trim her bushes or spread fresh pine straw.
  • Provide consistent lawn care through the warmer months.

3.     Remember her on Mother’s Day!

The job of the widowed-mom is hard and heavy. One out of every four children in the United States is being raised by a single parent, most of which are single moms.

  • Pampering baskets, including gift cards for a manicure, pedicure, or massage, will help her take care of herself.
  • Ice cream and/or restaurant gift cards will provide her and her children with a fun outing.
  • Send notes of appreciation, affirming a job well done!

4.     Include her in your summer outings and plans:

  • Invite her to share a time of fellowship with you. Keep in mind that the widow often feels like the “3rd wheel” when couples gather together. Perhaps you could invite several widows to join you.
  • Consider giving her the keys to your beach or mountain home, trips away can be very healing for the grieving heart.

5.     Provide for a day trip or weekend away

Gift cards for food and gas will help make a simple retreat possible.

6.     Offer transportation

  • Drive her to medical appointments
  • Help with running errands
  • Pick her up for church or a community event

7.     Enlist a trusted handyman for home repairs

Make arrangements to come and conquer her “to-do” list—paint a room, re-arrange furniture, or fix that leaky faucet.

8.     Provide summer fun for her fatherless children.

Loving on her children is a gift to her.  One of the main concerns for the young widow is her children.

  • Summer camps
  • Butterfly gardens for kids, reminding them that life comes after death
  • Day passes – White Water/Aquarium/Movies

9.     Call:

Out of all the widows we surveyed, their greatest ongoing struggle is loneliness. Take time to pick up the phone to let her know she isn’t forgotten.

10. Write:

Widows love a hand-written note just to let them know you care.

11.  Visit:

Give your time away. Be intentional about planning a time to listen to her, keeping in mind that adult conversation may be limited in her new season.

12.  Pray:

Dear God, thank you for showing us that life comes after death. We thank you for Jesus Christ and His resurrection from the grave, so we can experience new life in Christ.  Please remind the precious widow of this truth. May she experience life after her own season of walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Please let her feel your Presence as she waits on you in this season.

“They waited for me as for showers and drank in my words as the spring rain.” Job 29:23

 

 

The days after John-Michael tragically died were painfully long. I never knew how painful it could be to watch someone walk through such intense grief. Alex had lost her husband, her best friend, all of her future dreams with John-Michael, and the only person who could truly make her laugh and smile on a wretchedly long work day.

I’ve never felt more powerless as a friend. There were so many moments where there was nothing I could do or say to take the pain away. It felt as if the only way this was going to get better was if we woke up one day and realized this all was just a horribly long, bad dream.

When Alex asked me to write this, my first response was an awkward laugh. I failed horribly at this whole “being a best friend to the widow” some of the days, weeks, and months following John-Michael’s death. All I wanted was for her to have joy again and it felt like that would never be possible. I plead constantly with God to provide her reprieve and peace and to restore her joy.

There was one moment when I was ready to throw in the towel on the idea that this God I claimed to follow was still “good.” Alex woke up one night at 4 a.m. because she couldn’t sleep and decided to read her Bible. She softly read 2 Corinthians 4 aloud and when she got to verse 16 the tears started falling… hard.

“For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory.”  2 Corinthians 4:16

I remember being so angry in that moment. “LIGHT?! HOW INSENSITIVE, GOD. Nothing about this is “light,” I thought to myself.

I proceeded to beg God to give me something to say to help her respond to this scripture. I was pleading with him to show up and provide me something that would fix everything she was experiencing in her heart.

Then, Alex, tear-soaked-Bible in hand, looks over at me and says, “If this grief, that is saturating my entire being is considered “light,” then how beautiful will the glory of Christ be.”

I was speechless. Here I was—the friend trying to be a fill-in god that could fix this pain, but God was doing His job, the job that was never mine. Being a sweet, tender, loving Father to her and showing her that even though it feels like all of her world has crumbled, there is purpose, meaning and beauty in this pain that will make Christ’s ever-satisfactory glory completely worth it.

I still get chills thinking about how surreal that moment was. I now have story after story of the Lord’s faithfulness in the months following.

I learned a lot of “hard-way” lessons when it comes to walking with people through grief. But I’ve found three things that are certainly vital to walking through these seasons faithfully:

First, there are times when silence and your presence are all she needs;

for you to sit in the pain with her without trying to give answers or reasons, without changing the subject. She just needs affirmation that the reality of this circumstance is painful, that her heartache is justified, and that this world was not created to be this way.

Even Jesus asked James and John to sit with him in his grief as he sat in anguish before he went to the cross:  “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Matthew 26:37

Second, there are times where she needs to be reminded of the gospel;

when her mind is plagued by fear, hurt, and lies or her circumstances have caused her to doubt everything she’s ever believed to be true. Gently remind her of why God is good and point her to eternity.  In 1 Thessalonians 4:13 it says, “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others who do not have hope.”

What sets us apart as Christians in grief is that we are able to grieve with hope. The Lord doesn’t ask us to replace our mourning with thanksgiving. Rather, he uses our sorrow to proclaim a type of thanksgiving we wouldn’t be able to express otherwise. The thanks be to him who says our grief will be worth it. The giving of ourselves to say that even if our earthly hopes have been deferred, our eternal hope will never be lost.

Lastly, she needs you to be her cheerleader, not her critic.

Critics come out of the woodworks when tragedy strikes. Everyone has opinions on how a widow should grieve, when it’s okay to talk about it, or when they should pursue another relationship.

Be the friend that helps fight for joy when it starts creeping back in. I know right now it’s impossible to believe when I tell you that the days won’t always seem this heavy. But eventually, there will be a day when it feels like she has started to get her laugh back. Celebrate that alongside her. Find ways to embrace it and create more of it. You will not and cannot bring healing. Only Christ can do that. But life and death are not distinctly separated from one another in the seasons of our lives. Mourning and dancing—they don’t always take turns. While people celebrate engagements, new babies, and the sweetness of life, the fallen world will continue to break our hearts, often times simultaneously. The tension is constantly there, leaving us wondering when to celebrate and when to cry. Often the best thing we can do is recognize the tension and do both, trusting and remembering that when Jesus left this earth, He didn’t leave us alone to discern the timing of our responses. He gave us the Spirit to help navigate these complexities.

The last 2.5 years have not been easy, but I can tell you that mine and Alex’s friendship is one I will forever hold dear to my heart. It has been stretched, challenged, and deepened through this season. We live 1,000+ miles away from each other now, but when we do get time together, it is clear the foundations of our relationship run deep, to the depths of suffering and pain to the joys of life and celebration. Nicholas Wolterstorff said,

“I shall look at the world through tears. Perhaps I shall see things that, dry-eyed, I could not see.”

This will be hard and there will be days when you will feel inadequate, insufficient, and like you’re failing. Press on, my friend! Through tears and pain, you will see and know the Lord more intimately and so will your friend. Joy comes in the morning, and it will come through this seemingly unending mourning.

 

© Copyright 2019. The information provided by Perspective Ministries, both on this website and our social platforms is not to be interpreted as professional advice. Perspective Ministries provides peer to peer support, to widows and fatherless by widows and fatherless, at any stage of their grief. None of the Perspective Ministries writers, staff, or Board of Directors are professional therapists or counselors. All posts and support groups are intended for educational and informational purposes only. Perspective Ministries is not liable for the misrepresentation of any material provided on any of our platforms.