Author: Lori Apon
Category: Her Story
To the broken hearted in your deepest sufferings: Life as we know it is such an uncertain thing.
One day you are mom/dad, wife/husband, daughter/son, relative, friend, and in an instant that can all change. We quickly find that this life can take on a whole new chapter in our Lord’s perfect story, though oftentimes most excruciating to us.
I often look back and see how I defined my life: young, happy wife, a new mom (3-year-old son and 7-month-old daughter), a family that loved us unconditionally, a new home, a future of homeschooling and living life to the fullest and best of our ability. We did not have much money, had debt, yet to me, we were the richest family in the world. We had great dreams. Life was perfect through our lenses.
The God I thought I knew
And then came the great God I thought I knew. I had heard of God, of course, and I thought I knew enough of him too, yet, I never really had a personal relationship with him. Well on this day, I met him, in my darkest hour!
Leaving work one night I was met by a police officer calling me back into my office to call an emergency number. I was told my family was in a car wreck, and I soon learned that my husband and son had immediately passed into eternity and that my daughter had been airlifted and was on life support and totally brain dead.
This is where I met God! I began calling out to someone I had never truly met, casting everything wrong about my situation and myself on him and throwing myself on a grace I had heard of but never realized I needed.
My whole life and identity seemed to pass away in those seemingly eternal but short few minutes. I begged God to leave my Summer Rain here with me (something to live for), but He knew better than me and my worldly understanding.
Lean not on my own understanding
He called my whole family home. I was alone….empty….Why? This was a question I wrestled with.
One of the greatest gifts of grace and mercy the Lord gave me was hope in a hopeless time. He gave me His truth: Lean not on my own understanding. Trust Him in all my ways and He will direct my path (Proverbs 3:5-6)!
As one who was new to the faith, He reassured me that I didn’t have to make complete sense of His eternal work. Just believe. Believe the non-understanding of man’s mind. I was encouraged to look to the heavenly things that can never be understood in a fallen world, to cast my gaze to the eternal, our very best to come! How easy yet so profound! We should stop there!
I remember going to my parents’ house shortly after and praying to a God I didn’t know that well, asking for answers, Why? Why me? Why give me such pain and not give an answer as to why?
He says He takes the weak to confound the mighty. (He sure couldn’t have picked a weaker one….but I couldn’t have been more determined to rely on Him!)
Like I said, I realized quickly I would never have the capacity to understand such a divine plan that at the very same time crushed so much of my heart!
Why did God give me a heart to not question long but to simply trust? I truly don’t know! But I am thankful that He allowed me to see His greatness and just believe. Did He give me something extra or is it just that easy? I don’t know. He is amazing always!
His ways are not always understood, but so much better and more trustworthy. He is so faithful and the only place to find rest. I could not have survived one day without knowing He is all those things.
Resting in God’s perfect love
Much time has passed since my tragedy and I constantly find myself reflecting on His great blessings since that day.
God has granted me a wonderful, selfless, and thoughtful husband, an equally amazing, joy-filled son, and an absolutely precious love-filled daughter.
I often feel like Job (minus being as faithful as he was) resting in the same God who loves so perfectly!
It’s not easy and the pain never fully leaves, but it is hope that we look forward to, and we must believe that will give us this greatest joy! One day, my entire family will be together in eternity, I’m anxious to see them all again in our “best days!”
Until then, we must all make the best of our calling here. He is using us!