Author: Emily Hill
Being a friend to a widow is a special calling in itself. It requires patience, compassion, and a lot of prayer. If you are a friend to a widow, please don’t think for a second that your relationship isn’t important to her. Whether you knew her before her husband died or you became friends after, you are important. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my friends being there to be a listening ear or a helping hand.
So, you may be wondering what exactly to do or say to encourage your friend but aren’t sure how to go about it. There is no honest way for me to give you an exact guideline of how to be an awesome friend to a widow, because I only know my own grief and my own needs—but, I’ve made a little list that I hope and pray will help you to come alongside your friend in her grief and get to know her unique needs so you may meet them the best you can.
- Don’t be afraid about not having the “right” thing to say, because honestly, she probably just needs you to just listen more than anything else.
- Don’t be afraid to sit in silence. There will be times when a widow doesn’t want to talk but still wants to have someone there. Hours after I found out about the death of my husband, a few women came to simply be with me. They said their condolences and then they just stayed around the house. It was nice to have people near, while not having the pressure to communicate. Ask her if she wants to be alone, but don’t assume it for yourself.
- Ask her questions. Almost all of my friends would start out with something like this before asking me a question about grief or widowhood or my late husband, “I don’t want to offend you, or pry, so if it’s too much you don’t have to answer.” And then I would laugh because I actually enjoy being asked! Questions meant someone cared. And if you still aren’t sure if it’s okay to ask then simply begin your question with line above!
- The obvious thing to do may be to cry with her, but it is so important to not forget to laugh with her. A widow needs friends who aren’t afraid to laugh with her. And she also needs you to know that it doesn’t mean she is “done grieving.”
- Invite her. Having a birthday party, holiday party, Super Bowl party, or any get-together and think it may be too soon to invite your widowed friend? Invite her. She may say no, but it’s good for her to know that she hasn’t been forgotten or ousted. After the loss of my husband, I felt like a complete outsider. I knew grief made people uncomfortable, so to have friends that I knew still wanted me around, grief and all, was uplifting—even if I turned the invitation down (which I did a lot).
- Acknowledge the hard days. The anniversary of a husband’s death, Mother’s Day (if she is a mother), and her birthday can be hard days. I have had amazing friends who have surprised me with handwritten cards, flowers, and gift cards. Their awareness of tender days for me has been so encouraging to me, and I could never thank them all enough.
- Be there to help. Not having a husband to help me with things around the house left me feeling like a burden on others. I’m so grateful for the friends who pushed me to allow them to help me before I was able to humble myself and learn to ask. I could be wrong, but I think every widow will be grateful for yard maintenance—and some house cleaning. Also, having friends she knows she can call on to watch the kids if something’s comes up and family isn’t available. Let her know she isn’t burden, and you enjoy being able to help her.
- Pray and get into the Word. Pray for her (and her children) to draw closer to the Lord in their time of suffering and pray for yourself to help them along their journey. Read the Bible with her, text her scripture, encourage her in the Lord. Align your own heart to the Word so that you may be encouraged to encourage, as well.
- Lastly, be sensitive. Be loving. There is no real timeline or order for grief. Grief is as unique as each of us are.
“And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all, just as we do to you.” 1 Thessalonians 3:12